I should mention that I have taken all my medication including my diazipam so if i waffle or go off on a tangent then please bare with me at some point i will remember what i am doing and come back to you!!, anyway i was saying about the diazipam that i try not to use it too much because i have a family and they need mum to not be a spaced out monkey!! and of course it is addictive! But all the meds i am on are either addictive or could cause issues with my stomach, and the Steroid injections puff me out like a balloon, so although my left hip is now incredibly painful (never been my left - always my right!) i don't want to put on any more weight so will have to deal with it!!! Today i hate my body! its is such a good thing that my family do not read the rubbish i write because if they really knew how i felt about me it would change our relationship! and i am lonely enough without sympathy and "those looks" from them! and it would just make them feel bad and they can't help me, which would make me feel guilty! VICIOUS CIRCLE!
BUT If anyone out there has any kind of back problem that leaves them unable to walk, snuggle your children in a way that makes them feel loved instead of constantly worrying that they are going to hurt you and generally kicks you when you are already laying flat on the ground with your soul exposed because your in pain - and understands that there is no dignity in that! then you will understand this post!!!
My Amazing Son worries about giving me a cuddle because he might hurt me, he wont sit on my lap anymore because i have become a person in a broken body and he is terrified of hurting me!! : ( and all i think about is that he is 13 this summer and my snuggle time with him is running out and it breaks my heart that i can't use this time with him to make him feel loved and cherished with snuggles as well as words.
I spend a lot of the time sleeping away from my beautiful Hubby, and after 11 years of being together we still love being snuggled in bed together, with our legs entwined and comforted by the fact that we are not alone in this harsh world, we have a certain unspoken communication so we know what the other person needs and it works for us! I love him and work better with him and being close to him, (obviously not always - we are not Cinderella and Prince Charming) there are rubbish times but we always find solace in bed, just breathing the same air is our peace, but recently over the past year and a half I have found it so hard to stay still, to find a comfortable sleeping position, I cant lie on my back or right side and have to launch myself out of bed, i try sleeping in the spare bad, but now it has become toooooo soft and makes my back and hip bend in a way that is so painful that i often have to wake my sleepy hard working DH to lift me out inch by inch because any faster and it's agony!! (i know i sound like im exaggerating but seriously i'm not!!) then more often than not i will grab a pillow and take myself down stairs trying to be quiet so that i don;t wake DH again to shuffle through to the kitchen and make myself a cuppa to soothe me before bedding down on the floor in the living room. . . . . as i did last night . . i think i had been there for about 15 minutes pacing up and down the room sipping my tea looking more like a hunch back than the beautiful sexy wife he married!! (Life hey!) so he too bedded down with his pillow on the sofa, saying if this is where i am sleeping then this is where he is sleeping!
I am in pain most of the time, most of the days of the week, and most of the time i am unable to dress myself properly (that's they boys job!) and for an independent professional woman this is fairly humiliating! But it goes to show how loved i am and needed i am and so even though i cant move and in 10 years time they will have to remove the roof to air lift my mass out of the house (!!!) i am beginning to feel like i haven't let my boys down, or sold my DH a dude product who is no longer fit for purpose!
Needing a friend again today - Sorry!!