Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Are We There Yet?



I'm going to be 40 in a few weeks!!!


I assumed that by the time i was 40 i would know all there is to know, I would have the answers to the universe and all would become clear.  I would be wise enough to give life saving valuable advice!! (seriously!!!!)  I would be confident in my appearance because I would have grown into myself (like a puppy who has big paws i would grow in to mine, although that analogy is quite poor because i think i likened myself to a puppy!) and have a calm confident exterior that commanded respect and awe! I know nothing of any use anyway! no lifesaving instructions although i could talk anyone through opening a particularly difficult bottle of wine or on the making of a light as a feather melt in my mouth lemon drizzle cake! anyway back on point!  

I would always know what to say because i had made all the terrible horrible humiliating foot in mouth comments when i was younger and because i am an intelligent, if a little slow on the uptake sometimes girl, i learn from my mistakes and take others advice with me......do i heck, did i mention that i'm arrogant and hideously painfully stubborn.  Basically i thought that by the time i hit the big four oh i would have a clue!  I think i shall put that down to naivety. LOL 

The sad truth is that I feel like Julia Roberts in "Run Away Bride", you know where she has no idea how she likes her eggs only difference other than the obvious (i'm not a world renown actor..... can't think of any other differences!!!! ) well although i do know how i like my eggs; but my self knowledge ;pretty much ends there! i like scrambled.  Well apart from the absolute knowledge that i would take a bullet for my family and friends. Really is this it?  i have found myself asking, do we just kind of bounce around knowing nothing until the day we pop our clogs and fly of this mortal plain.

When I was little I thought my mum knew everything and that she was deliberately not sharing it with me because she was trying to teach me one of life's amazing lessons, turns out she didn't know either! 

Since DH's parents left I have found myself trying to understand God and my faith a little more, I have always felt that I was being guided and pushed in the "right" direction but now I have found myself wondering what happens and we're do we go when we You know GO!  I wonder will everyone I have ever loved be waiting for me in a line, as if I was collecting a medal where people are patting you on the back and wishing you well!!! Or is there just nothing, a big black nothing???  I get scared of leaving people I love behind and wonder if i will ever see them again.     

Think I need a hug!